aisle runners

To elope, or not to elope. That is the question of the day (year).

Why a wedding is important to me, in priority order:

1. After we get married, I want to feel different. We’ve been living together so long that I’m afraid eloping will just feel like another vacation. I want to go through the ceremony of changing myself into a married woman, into half of a whole.

2. I want John to choose me publicly, in front of everyone he knows and loves, friends and family. I want the ceremony to be public so everyone can see me making my choice, going through the motions of becoming half of the new official us. I want to feel the support of all the people there, empowering me to make this choice and choose this person, and cheering me on as I start a new and exciting phase in my life.

3. I want to walk down the aisle with my dad, and be given away with his approval and consent. I want to wear a veil and a white dress and carry a bouquet.  I want all the little children of my friends and family to run down the aisle in front of me, as a breath of fresh air, fun and energetic and carefree, setting the mood for our marriage and the rest of our lives.

Today might be the day I tell him.

Life List

Fun and inspiring lists to make!      Your 100 Things      43 Things

A place to track my goals and progress updates in one place, without having to tote my journal around. I’m pleased and started my first day as a member by borrowing about 9 goals from other people. What….you borrowed goals? C’mon, I want to lose weight, stop procrastinating, drink more water, feel happier, get married, and run a marathon too!

Drifting

So, how is motherhood? I can’t seem to get married and yet find I’m often wondering where allthe time has gone – I’m 30, which is fine, but… I thought I would be somewhere else by now? I thought I would be the stay at home mom I always planned on being. I thought I would have a few great friends. I thought … I would know more than I know about myself and would not be so challenged to figure out who I am. Challenge is usually so good, but lately it’s been annoying and frustrating, as I am asked the why’s and the why not’s related to career and friends and motivation.

Instead of…  What makes you happy? What do you want to do? Why does that please your soul? I get more of Why are you so unhappy all the time? Why don’t you want to what I want to do? Why doesn’t this job please you? Are you even pleasable? Do you know how to be happy? Maybe you’re just an unhappy person?

I have to figure out what makes me happy and what makes me feel motivated. What pleases my soul and what fulfills me. I know this isn’t it. But I’m tired of drifing along and trying things on just to find out they don’t fit. Lately I feel a bit like an angsty teenager but with about half the energy and only half the motivation to figure out how to fix it. I feel tired today.

I’m also tired of fighting. We don’t fight the same now because I’m deep into “pick your battles” mode. If I am too tired to fight it out, I have to let it go. I don’t agree with him; I don’t think he’s right. But when I am exhausted so he wins by default. This likely contributes to an unhealthy imbalance of power but what the hell, I’m usually too tired to care.

Which brings me back to – why am I tired? and how can I get excited and remotivated? Today I’m not sure. I think a nap would help get me back to motivatable. Coffee and nap, here I come. When I feel less tired, I’ll think about the happy parts. Until now, I will keep drifting in my careerless pile of discarded job titles and lifestyles that just didn’t fit.

what should i do with my life?

Excellent question . . . excellent book!

always searching for the answer, this book has found me a second time. Only one chapter read so far, but more to come soon.

notes:

• tired from working until 2:00 am, looking forward to the weekend.
• need to request birthday plans: what is the best thing to do on my 30th birthday? where to go? what would be so fabulous and memorable? relaxing, enjoyable, fun, a weekend to remember? what would I enjoy the most?
• talked to John today regarding new book (above), the difference between knowing the path you’re on and having no idea where the road under you is going [what road?]. he was receptive, but we had to get back to work. tbc.

but, are you happy?

Of course I’m not happy, she said to me, but I’ve got a degree in psychology so at least I can explain why.
 

Story People – Brian Andreas