So, how is motherhood? I can’t seem to get married and yet find I’m often wondering where allthe time has gone – I’m 30, which is fine, but… I thought I would be somewhere else by now? I thought I would be the stay at home mom I always planned on being. I thought I would have a few great friends. I thought … I would know more than I know about myself and would not be so challenged to figure out who I am. Challenge is usually so good, but lately it’s been annoying and frustrating, as I am asked the why’s and the why not’s related to career and friends and motivation.

I am no ordinary girl

Instead of…  What makes you happy? What do you want to do? Why does that please your soul? I get more of Why are you so unhappy all the time? Why don’t you want to what I want to do? Why doesn’t this job please you? Are you even pleasable? Do you know how to be happy? Maybe you’re just an unhappy person?

I have to figure out what makes me happy and what makes me feel motivated. What pleases my soul and what fulfills me. I know this isn’t it. But I’m tired of drifing along and trying things on just to find out they don’t fit. Lately I feel a bit like an angsty teenager but with about half the energy and only half the motivation to figure out how to fix it. I feel tired today.

I’m also tired of fighting. We don’t fight the same now because I’m deep into “pick your battles” mode. If I am too tired to fight it out, I have to let it go. I don’t agree with him; I don’t think he’s right. But when I am exhausted so he wins by default. This likely contributes to an unhealthy imbalance of power but what the hell, I’m usually too tired to care.

Which brings me back to – why am I tired? and how can I get excited and remotivated? Today I’m not sure. I think a nap would help get me back to motivatable. Coffee and nap, here I come. When I feel less tired, I’ll think about the happy parts. Until now, I will keep drifting in my careerless pile of discarded job titles and lifestyles that just didn’t fit.

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